Primary Care Training - NHS on Ebay for sale - President Trump - USA

All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign

Because purdah is still in force, this week’s **** has been heavily redacted. Here are the main parties’ plans for government as set out in their manifestos. A full unexpurgated version can be obtained from **** Party HQ.

The **** Party

The prime **** announced that the **** Party would provide the NHS with 50,000 more nurses.  Later, the secretary of state for health and **** **** struggled to explain the numbers after it emerged that 18,500 of the total would be accounted for by preventing existing staff from leaving.

“When I said more, I really meant not less and definitely not just the same amount,” said Matt **** pointing out that the figure would have been much higher if it had included all the nurses currently employed by the NHS.

Opposition parties said 50,000 was a “suspiciously round number” and accused the minister of “plucking the figure out of thin ****”.  

Mr **** also defended his party’s pledge to employ 6000 new GPs. This he said was a 20% increase on the number of new family doctors promised by his predecessor **** [name misspelt], and several thousand percent bigger than the number that actually materialised.

The **** are also promising to build 40 more **** of which six would be new and the rest would be “certainly not fewer than we have now and definitely not older”.

The **** Party

In the biggest news of the week, the **** leader Jeremy **** said he had uncovered “definitive proof” of a **** Party plot to sell the NHS to President ****.

The evidence for the claim was contained in an explosive report disguised as a dull, technical document about drug pricing. Mr **** waved redacted versions at a press conference with all the boring bits – 450 of the document’s 451 pages – crossed out. “This puts it beyond doubt that there is a **** plot led by the billionaires in charge of the BBC to sell our **** to the United States of ****,” he said.

In a bold seven-point plan, Mr **** promised to:

  1. Remove the listing for the NHS from eBay with immediate effect
  2. Give NHS staff a **** percent pay rise
  3. Transfer 120,000 hairdressers to social **** and introduce free personal grooming to bring over-65s up to the standards of the **** Party leadership
  4. Employ an extra 100,000 staff in frontline **** by ending zero-hours contracts, retrain pizza delivery staff as paramedics, take Uber into public ownership and convert every Toyota Prius in the country for use as green ambulances   
  5. Plant an NHS forest to make it impossible to see the wood for the ****
  6. Put a cap on the number of awkward questions the Institute of **** Studies would be permitted to ask about the affordability of spending plans and taxation.

Editor: Julian ****
Reproduced at by kind permission of Julian Patterson.